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of a seemingly lost friendship – part one.

Around 3 months ago, I decided to forego a friendship.

It was a point wherein I felt the need to cut this person out of my life because I believed that I was in a toxic relationship with her.

I realized that I didn’t want to keep people like her around in my life, and the feeling was probably mutual, though it was unspoken. It felt like a cold war, a never ending paranoia on what the other end might be thinking, saying or feeling.

To be completely honest, all the time that we were friends I felt as though she hated my guts (secretly). It was an on and off feeling. Most times I could sense that she was iffy with me, though I didn’t exactly know the reason why she would feel that way towards me. She often kept it to herself, without giving me the chance to know what I did wrong. She was the type to sort of just… give you the silent treatment when she is not on good terms with you. We had a disagreement in the past year, yet I decided to pursue my friendship with her and apologized. This time around, I honestly don’t see the point in fixing my relationship with this person anymore so I just let it go.

And although I’d like to think that she tried her very best to deal with me, I guess that ultimately she didn’t accept me for who I was. Rather, she disliked my existence and my very being. I felt judged by her. I didn’t know what I did to make her dislike me so much. Maybe it was just me being myself, I guess.

Maybe she couldn’t tolerate being friends with someone like me, and well I thought to myself, who needs someone like that! Why bother being friends with someone who didn’t accept you completely for who you were? I didn’t need someone who held grudges against me and felt resentment and bitterness towards me. I didn’t want to associate myself with someone who couldn’t see past my flaws and imperfections as a human being. I decided to surround myself with people who only bring out the best in me and help me become better as a person. Obviously, I felt that all she did was bring me down so I had to let go.

It was as easy as clicking a button to let her completely disappear from my life, and I’d think that I actually did her a favor as well.

Maybe ending this friendship was for the best, after all.

Of course there were qualities about her which irked me from time to time, but I learned how to deal with them. Unfortunately, she couldn’t deal with mine. And as much as I want to believe and see the innate good in her, it has pretty much been tainted by all the things she’s (probably unconsciously) done to hurt me – be it from her insensitivity or the vibe of hatred I get from her. I used to think the world of this person, I honestly believed her to be one of the nicest people I knew….now I don’t even know anymore.

So here’s to lost friendships and broken relationships. Maybe I was meant to suck at them.