October 14, 2011
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I’m just not proud of the person that I am right now.
I guess things like these just take some time.
October 11, 2011
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I need to get my shit together – again.
- Practice flexibility and independence more.
- Learn to be free.
- Dress smart.
- Learn to be goddamn grateful everyday.
Currently doubting and questioning everything – from my existence and purpose in life to my faiths and beliefs. What happens when everything you stand for suddenly starts to weaken? I’m starting to see life as a riddle, a mystery, an enigma. The way life works confuses me. It’s ironic sometimes. And I don’t even know if I should believe in soul mates or destiny or karma or fate or whatever anymore. Everything right now just seems like a load of bull to me. I don’t buy it.
And I really am starting to question if there IS a God and you know, that’s kinda fucked up because I thought I was religious and all. I feel like a bad Catholic now. Is there even a higher being? I feel like life has shaken my core and made me doubt everything in my life. I’m starting to question my being. I need to strengthen my faith again, sigh. I guess I just need something to believe in. I’m pretty lost in life at the moment.
Feeling merely like a soul trapped in a body, put in this world to survive then what? Humanity is fucked up. Society is fucked up. I feel like we’re only here for a meaningless existence. I ask myself, what exactly is the point of living? We all have our stories and different journeys of growth and experience and ultimately in the end when we die, what exactly is the point of it all? What exactly is the use of having feelings and emotions, relationships, love, hope, faith, adversities, dreams and all that when in the end it’s just utterly useless? It’s like we’re just wasting our time here.
Right now I feel like I’m walking blindfolded, uncertain of what life will throw at me, or if anything even makes sense anymore. It’s like I’m done taking bull from others because it’s what’s familiar and mostly believed. A blind follower and believer, I’m trying to see and embrace what is strange and new. Not that I’m going Atheist or anything…. hopefully not.
Fuck deep ass philosophical shit, overthinking is turning me into a non-believer HAHA